Mario Balotelli: brilliant footballer, even better WUM...

Mario Balotelli has used his latest injury lay-off to WUM just about everyone in world football, with Wayne Rooney, Jose Mourinho, and even the entire Barca team copping a serve.

"Rooney is a very good player but not the best [striker] in Manchester. Our attack of Balotelli-Tevez-Dzeko is the best in the world. We are the strongest. Better even than Barcelona and Real Madrid" scowled Mario — and that's not even mentioning the other attacking talent in the squad, David Silva, Adam Johnson, and Jo Yaya Toure.

The want-away Italian also claimed he is better than Rayne Wooney, but then again, with one goal from open play in twelve league appearances this season, that puts Tabloid Wayne amongst the great goal poachers of our time, alongside such luminaries as Joleon Lescott and Micah Richards. Still, it's one more goal than Jo's managed this season, so every cloud...

"Do United fans insult me? No, they stop me in the street and say: 'Mario, come to us'. But I dream of beating them because I know how much the City fans care. They are wonderful with me. When they sang my name after the hat-trick, I had chills..."

"They're multiplyin'!" he didn't add.

Meanwhile, in breath-taking transfer news, 'Arry "I ain't no wheeler and dealer" Redknapp has wheeled-and-dealed himself another midfielder, with Steven Pienaar the latest to sign for those ultra-attacking, devil-may-care, free-scoring Tottenham Globetrotters. Who despite the presence of the bestest left-back turned left-winger in the world, have still netted six less goals than Boring, Boring City.

"I've had brilliant years at Everton and it will always be a special place in my heart," tweeted Pienaar as he left Goodison Park, just before having his iPhone nicked.

Elsewhere, Darren Bent has joined Aston Villa from Sunderland for the cut-price fee of £18million, just in time to score another late winner against us on Saturday... sorry, £18 million?

Is he really worth one Roque Santa Cruz? Ok, poor example... is he really worth two-thirds of an Edin Dzeko? (Presumably you'd take the two legs. And the head. You could do without the arms...)

Bent is no doubt worth the extra money because can he score the odd goal, but he is also English, and would therefore qualify as a home-grown player under UEFA regulations. This would be important in the unlikely event of Aston Villa avoiding relegation qualifying for the Europa League, also known as "hell freezing over".

The only thing more shocking than a player moving from the top six to a team in a relegation dogfight is the fact that people are still wringing their hands at the thought that players move clubs "just for the money"...